Problem #4: Your Partner Gives You the Silent Treatment
Some people have the tendency to show their displeasure and anger by withdrawing their love and communication - a passive-aggressive tactic that's infuriating to the person on the receiving end. Silence only serves to heighten tension and compound a problem, as the couple plays a waiting game to see who will crack first.
Why would your partner refuse to discuss a problem that needs to be solved? There are actually a few possible reasons:
- They don't want to risk losing an argument, so they shut down the debate.
- They saw their parents use this coping skill, so they're just doing what they know.
- It's a way to punish you when they think you're getting in their way. You then feel guilty and on edge because you upset them.
- They secretly hope that if they're quiet long enough, the problem will disappear.
- They're ultimately scared to death to express anger, which they believe is unacceptable. So the next best thing is to withdraw in silence.
The silent treatment can be devastating to your relationship ... so what can you do when you feel like you're talking to a brick wall?
Solution #4
Try to communicate to your partner that silence won't make your problems go away. Tell them that you want an active dialogue - offer to just listen to their side of things without interruption and judgment, and tell them that you'll do your best to compromise and do whatever is necessary to come up with a solution. How To Better A Relationship
If your partner is firmly entrenched in their silence, then there's really not much you can do, except to decide when you've had it. It's fair to warn them that their habit of giving you the silent treatment is ultimately going to make you reevaluate your relationship. Ultimately, you need to be with someone who will work with you to manage disagreements.
Suffice it to say that anger is a scary emotion for most of us - we often get irrational and do things we later regret. Therefore, it isn't surprising that most people will do just about anything to avoid a confrontation with their partner. Yet anger can actually be quite constructive, if it's tempered and contained. Unrestrained anger is dangerous, because there's no purpose in mind and no end result to achieve. Think about this for a moment: You and your partner will lose a part of yourselves each time there's a situation that regresses into an insult-calling match.
I won't kid you there's no perfect solution to dealing with an angry partner. Your ultimate options are:
- Make an unbreakable agreement that only positive language will be used toward each other.
- Continue on the destructive path of vindictiveness, which will destroy your psyche.
- Consider ending the relationship to reclaim your sense of dignity.
Emotional And Physical Abuse
Although it seems unbelievable, millions of people stay with verbally and/or physically abusive partners, l've personally counseled countless victims of domestic abuse who were admitted into the emergency room, beaten to within an inch of their lives ... only to go home with their abuser for another round.
This subject deeply saddens me, so in this post, I'll try to make sense of why people stay with abusive partners. You'll notice that the format here is different. That's because I really have only one solution for each one of these scenarios: Do whatever you can to end the relationship right now. lt's the only thing that makes sense for you and your kids (if you have them).
But first let's find out why you'd want to stay with a partner who calls you names, ridicules your efforts, humiliates you in front of others, and inflicts bodily harm.
Reason #1: On Some Level, You Honestly Feel As If You Deserve the Abuse
When I've asked abused people why they put up with such treatment, one of the most common answers I've heard is, "I guess I had it coming. I made a mistake, and I deserved it." Many victims of abuse have experienced similar treatment in the past, either during childhood or in previous relationships - in other words, they've been programmed to believe that they're somehow "bad" and need to be punished. How To Better A Relationship
This is an incredibly difficult thought process to change. Usually these feelings have been imprinted on the victim's brain for many years and can often only be remedied by psychotherapy.
If you find yourself in this category, I urge you to seek professional help. You need to generate positive feelings about yourself, which may help you break free of an abusive cycle.
Reason #2: You're Afraid to Be Alone
Many people feel like total losers unless they're in a relationship - to them, being alone is frightening and sends the message that they're not desirable. Consequently, these people will do anything to have any relationship, even if it means that they get an angry and abusive partner in the process.
If this is your pattern, ask yourself what's worse - staying connected to a person who calls you names, degrades you, or strikes you physically, or spending time alone working on your self-esteem? If you said the former, you have some serious issues to work out with a therapist.
Reason #3: You Have Selective Hearing
Imagine that your partner has just told you the following: "You're a no-good piece of %@#&! You can't do anything right! You're so stupid - you'll never amount to anything! I don't even know why I love you!" If you ignored everything but the "I love you," then you've got selective hearing.
My point here is that you need to listen carefully to every single word that your partner says to you because it all means something. It's unwise to disregard nasty remarks and make the excuse that they "didn't really mean it." if they said it, then on some level they meant it! (And yes, this applies even in the heat of battle.) To learn more, you can check out How To Better A Relationship.
