Reason #4: You Fantasize That the Abuse Will Just Stop
We all hope for positive things. For example, I tend to believe that all people have the potential to be good and kind; and I also believe in giving second chances when someone has made a mistake (with certain exceptions). This is a very dangerous attitude, however, when dealing with an abusive partner.
Most research indicates that once a pattern of emotional or physical abuse has started, it tends to be self perpetuating; that is, the longer it's allowed to continue, the longer it will continue. After all, if you continue to take it, what incentive is there for your partner to stop? So heed this advice: You're playing Russian roulette with your life. You can't afford to keep living in the little fantasy world you've constructed in your head. Wake up and see your partner for who they are - a person with significant psychological problems who will take you both down.
Reason #5: You Believe That a Relationship Failure Means You Are a Failure
I once had a patient who wouldn't leave her abusive husband because she didn't want to be seen in their community as a "failure." It was important for her to maintain the facade of happiness to avoid the embarrassment that would result from the relationship breaking apart. Her husband knew this, so he got a free pass to cut her down on a daily basis and occasionally hit her. What Make A Good Relationship
In her mind, this was a small price to pay; for she could continue to maintain a certain image for her friends and family. She took the abuse for years - even I couldn't convince her to leave. Nor would she get the police involved, even after she'd received several serious injuries and feared for her own safety.
Even if your relationship isn't this bad, please always remember this: You're not a personal failure if a relationship doesn't work out. It's okay to admit a mistake and try again.
Reason #6: You Thrive on Conflict
Many couples stay together even as they spend their days literally beating each other up. They enter this warped dynamic where they feed off each other's rage, forging a bond based on distrust, anger, and abuse.
Conflict is sometimes exciting. If you don't believe that, think about the number of people who watch reality shows on TV and attend boxing matches, hockey games, and auto races. Some people just don't like to paddle in calm waters.
I used to believe that if only couples like this could just see themselves being so ugly to each other, they'd immediately stop the pattern of abuse. But then I realized that the cycle feeds on itself - the more they fight, the more they need to fight to regain control and the upper hand. it's as if they have a secret death wish to slowly destroy each other. If this describes you and your partner, the best thing for you is to break this cycle.
Reason #7: You Stay with an Abuser "for the Kids"
I've had many heated arguments with various individuals (including therapists) on this point over the years, for some people actually believe that children deserve to have two parents in the home, even if one abuses the other. You may have bought into the "family values" paradigm that it's better for children to have two parents at home - no matter what - than to grow up with a single parent. This is so wrong. You see, your children will learn how the world works based on what they see. You're the main teacher for your kids, whether you like it or not. And this means that whatever you decide to accept will become the norm for them.
So, even though your children may never observe the actual abuse you're getting, they'll eventually sense the effect it has on you. For example, your demeanor will change if you're always worried about when you're going to get beaten up again. And you'll also be telling your kids that it's okay to stay with someone who mistreats them - that they should tolerate being insulted, put down, or hit. Is this the legacy you want to pass down to your children? What Make A Good Relationship
Having said that, I understand the incredibly difficult decision you have to make. There's a very real chance that your children will suffer psychological damage regardless of whether you stay or go. You'll have to answer questions such as: "Where did Daddy go?" "Why aren't you together anymore?" "Did I do something wrong to make Daddy leave?" and "Why was Daddy hitting you and calling you names?"
These are tough questions to which you need to come up with good answers. But more important is sending the message to your children that it's never right to mistreat another being (human or animal).
Yes, I feel that it's preferable to raise your children on your own instead of staying with an abusive partner. I know it won't be easy, but you'll be doing the right thing for them in the long run.
Reason #8: You Absolutely Will Not Consider Divorce
If you have some aversion to divorce due to religious or moral beliefs, I commend you for your convictions. And if your partner turns on you in a physically or emotionally abusive manner, it surely will be a test of your faith. I honestly have to tell you that if your beliefs preclude divorce or separation, I don't have a great solution for you. Perhaps you should both go to your church for counseling and see if things can be resolved, if not, your life will be filled with conflict. To learn more, you can check out What Makes A Good Relationship.
