Reason #9: Things Will Actually Get Worse If You Try to Leave the Abusive Partner
If your partner has a really severe personality disorder, they may try to prevent you from leaving the relationship.
There are various ways to do this:
- Your partner tells you that no one else will ever want you.
- When you try to leave the abuser, they hurt you even more.
- The abuser threatens to stalk you and harm any future partners.
- The abuser destroys things of great value to you (such as keepsakes, photos, and so forth); if they're really deranged, they may try to harm your children or even take them from you.
Remember that the abuser really needs you to stick around so that they can continue to live out their sick cycle of violence. They need you to be a receptacle for all the punishment they dish out. It's vitally important that you find a way to leave. You may have to do it in secret and move quickly (the element of surprise is critical here). And you should go to the police - they'll help you find a safe place to live and get a restraining order against your partner if you need it. The bottom line is that you need to utilize any and all weapons at your disposal in order to avoid retribution from the abuser.
I don't underestimate the level of commitment you're going to need to take these drastic steps. It may be one of the most courageous moves that you'll ever make ... but it will also save your life. What Make A Happy Marriage
Reason #10: You Get to Play Martyr
Many victims will stay with an abuser because, on some level, they're getting something out of the interaction. Now I'm not saying that they enjoy the abuse, but abusive behavior is a form of attention (granted, it's negative, but it's still attention, nonetheless).
Friends and family will often run to the rescue, trying to convince the victim to get out of the relationship. Here's where the martyr syndrome comes in. Some victims think they're exhibiting signs of courage when they get beaten up and then stay for more. It's like they're trying to show the world that they can "take it." This generates a lot of sympathy and shows of support - again, a lot of attention comes their way, and they get to be in the center of the storm.
I don't think there's anything courageous about remaining in an abusive situation - in fact, it's actually a sign of weakness. Eventually, when others realize that nothing they say has any impact on the victim's decisions, the support will dry up. Family and friends will tire of hearing about the abuse, and then the victim will truly be alone.
You must resist the urge to assume this role. I know that it feels nice to rally support from others, but this is only temporary. At the end of the day, you're still the one who's being abused.
You must accept the fact that a partner who abuses you in any way will most likely continue the cycle unless you stop it. I know it can be extremely difficult to separate from an abuser because you still may have deep feelings for them. But show yourself some love by getting out of this situation. Then you can find a relationship that's based on mutual respect and kindness ... with someone who will love you without degrading your character.
Annoying Habits
Not all relationship problems are as heavy as anger and abuse issues. So let's change gears and lighten up a bit. What Make A Happy Marriage
Now I'm sure that most of your partner's annoying habits aren't severe enough to end the relationship. However, many marriages and serious commitments have ended because the two people couldn't stand each other's little idiosyncrasies. For example, I knew someone who dumped her partner because he insisted on clipping his toenails in bed. She told him she was going to leave if he did it just one more time, which he did ... and she packed her bags. This seems ridiculous, but she viewed the whole thing as a matter of respect. As she told me, "If I can't depend on him to stop this stupid habit, what will he do next to annoy me?"
This and next post was tough for me to write, since I personally don't have any annoying tendencies. Just ask my wife ... on second thought, don't ask her - you may get an earful. But somehow, Betsy and I have managed to get along living under the same roof for several years. We're living proof that when you commit to another person, you also commit to dealing with all of their foibles.
You name the repulsive habit, and I've undoubtedly heard it described on my radio show over the years. So I think we should begin here by acknowledging that all of us engage in personal practices that might seem perfectly acceptable to us, but which really get under our partner's skin.
I don't intend to list every possible nasty habit or lapse in personal hygiene - that would be impossible. But I will attempt to give you a road map to follow as you try to put up with your partner's bad breath, bad body odor, bad attire .... I can't guarantee total success, but at least you'll be able to develop a game plan for dealing with your partner's shortcomings after you read this and next post. To learn more, you can check out What Makes A Happy Marriage.
