Problem #3: There's No Line of Separation Between Work and Home
We all know workaholics ... but, to be honest, I'm not one of them. I'm often asked how I leave my patients' problems at the office; in fact, my wife and friends have commented that I generally don't talk about my work at all when I'm at home. Do I have some magical ability that allows me to compartmentalize areas of my life so neatly? Well, no ... but I do know a few tricks that I'll share with you.
Solution #3
One of the keys to keeping things in your relationship in perspective is the ability to set boundaries on the job and at home. This means that you can't give in to your boss every time you're asked to stay late, causing you to miss quality time with your partner; but on the flip side, you also can't blow off work or show up late because your partner wants you to. Here's a statement that will work in both situations: "No, I need to attend to other things that are also important right now."
Your success in this area will ultimately be based on flexibility. You and your partner must always allow room for ~ negotiation - there may be times when you have to work long hours on a big project and put your relationship on the back burner for a while; other times you may need a longoverdue vacation, a sick day or a personal day to hang out with your partner. This is all part of the balancing act. How To Make A Marriage Happy
In addition, you should make a distinct separation between work and home. For example, on my drive to and from work, I play some relaxing music. I don't spend this time on my cell phone tieing up loose ends or returning messages - I do all that before I ever walk out of my office. I try very hard to finish my work before I leave for the day, even if this means that I stay for a few extra minutes. This is great for my marriage, because once I walk in the door to my house, I'm "home." This way, I'm able to create two distinct halves in my day ... and I get some time to myself as well.
Here are some other techniques that work to separate work from home:
- Run some errands after work to get your mind on other tasks.
- Exercise - it clears your head and works off excess energy and frustration.
- Schedule a class or hobby right after your workday so that you're focused on something you enjoy when you walk in the door to your home.
- If you work at home, make sure that you've set aside a specific room just for work. If you're not working, then don't go in there! And remember, when you're done for the day, leave your home for a while - go for a walk or run some errands, but do something to buffer your work and home time.
One more thing: Do not, and I repeat, do not, attempt to solve your relationship problems while you're at work. If I had a dime for every time I had to listen to a co-worker argue with their partner on the phone, I'd be a very rich man. There seems to be no limit to the sordid tales I've heard - stories of cheating and lying, sexual improprieties, and a variety of other intimate problems. What's funny is that nothing ever seems to get resolved this way, since after a heated exchange the phone usually gets slammed down in a fit of anger. Relationship issues need to be addressed face-to-face, not over the phone at work! In addition, stop sharing details about your relationship with your co-workers - this is something that I guarantee you'll regret.
The lesson here is this: When you're at work, focus on work. Conversely, when you get home, try to avoid extensive conversations about the stressful day you had.
Problem #4: Your Partner Doesn't Spend Enough Time with You
One of the most common complaints that women have about men is that they don't spend enough time working on the relationship. Women have had this issue with men for as long as relationships have been around, and it probably won't change anytime soon.
I included this problem because many people use work as an excuse to stay away from home. In order to avoid chores, kids, or their partners, some people will "stay late at the office" or "meet with clients" during the evenings. I knew a guy who worked on a "big project" night after night, when in reality he was out drinking with his friends and ignoring his family. If this describes your partner, what can you do?
Solution #4
First determine how much time you require with your partner without any outside interruptions. If you feel neglected, speak up so your partner knows there's a problem. You can say something like, "I really want to be around you more. How can we work together so we can have more alone time?" Then offer to make some concessions and expect the same in return.
For example, offer to meet your partner at their workplace occasionally for lunch or dinner. Look into some hobbles and activities that you'll both enjoy. Try to plan at least one "date night" every week - I truly believe that this is one of the most important things you can do for your relationship, since you'll get to reconnect on a regular basis. Before you know it, you'll have all the quality time you need with your partner! How To Make A Marriage Happy
Problem #5: Your Partner Can't or Won't Work
Some people can't work due to a disability, so their partner may need to provide all the financial support. Many relationships thrive under these conditions, though, because both people contribute to the relationship in some way.
But what happens if your partner decides that they don't want to work anymore? Perhaps they're pregnant, taking time off to regroup, or going back to school to change careers - all of which could actually strengthen your relationship in the long run. However, if your partner's unemployment is due to less noble reasons (they'd rather kick back, they can't hold a job, or they've simply become dependent on you for financial support), then it will ultimately cause a huge strain in the relationship.
Solution #5
The decision you make will be based on how much you're willing to stand. If everything's crumbling around you and you're on the verge of bankruptcy, then it seems obvious that you wouldn't be able to tolerate your partner's refusal to work. If your financial situation is stable, but your partner seems content living off what you make, then you need to determine whether this is acceptable to you. If it isn't, then it's up to you to tell them how you feel.
Hopefully, you'll make some headway and your partner will realize how important it is for them to pull their own weight.
Unfortunately, you can't force someone to be productive in the world. I had to learn this the hard way. My intense drive to work on ten different things at once is difficult to match, so I needed to learn to back off from pressuring my wife, and give her a chance to do her own thing. However, if we were really in a bad way financially and Betsy adamantly refused to do anything to help, I'd probably be really disappointed and question her commitment to our relationship.
It may be useful to pretend you're on a seesaw, trying to balance your career and your relationship. If you do find that perfect equilibrium, your self-esteem and your relationship will flourish. To learn more, you can check out How To Make A Marriage Happy.
