Problem # 1: Your Partner Randomly Directs Their Anger at You
Many children grow up being the target of their parents' anger, for no discernible reason other than they were there. Kids who were raised in this kind of an environment often grow up to do the same thing to their significant others. If your partner falls into this category, the balance of power in your relationship is one-sided. Here's why:
Random anger is used as a psychological weapon to gain the upper hand -> your angry partner gets the power of surprise, which keeps you off balance -> your power is diminished since you're constantly on the defensive.
Keep this in mind: A partner who is consistently or randomly angry has psychological issues that have absolutely nothing to do with you. Yet how can you be expected to live happily in an environment where, no matter how hard you try, anger constantly comes your way?
Solution #1
I'll first tell you what not to do if your partner veils at you for no reason: Don't just take it! This doesn't mean that you need to yell back and engage in a nasty conflict; instead, emphatically tell your partner that you're not in the relationship to get treated like a child. And also tell them that there must be a solid basis for their rage (in other words, they can't just be having a bad day) or you simply won't be able to listen to the complaint. Tips Of A Good Relationship
This approach may work, and your partner just might back down and treat you with respect. However, you may be with someone who's just mean-spirited and angry all the time. For example, a former patient of mine kept telling me that his wife constantly yelled at him. At first I found this hard to believe, but when I saw them together, it turned out to be true. No matter how calm he stayed, she'd let loose with a fiery rage that just wouldn't subside. Even I couldn't derail her fury - she had no insight whatsoever into the real source of her anger and didn't seem particularly interested in determining what caused it. My patient called her "a living nightmare," and after seeing her in action, I had to agree. He decided to leave her, which wasn't easy - but he was finally a free man.
If you have a partner like this man's wife, you might have to make a tough decision to leave the person whom you love but can't live with on a daily basis. After all, walking on eggshells is no way to go through life.
Problem #2: Your Partner Can't Take Criticism
At times you may have to offer constructive criticism to your partner. There's nothing wrong with saying something like, "I really want us to talk about your habit of doing _____, which is really beginning to impact our relationship."
Reasonable people will be open to discussion, but you might find that you're met with an angry and defiant partner who can't tolerate even the slightest bit of criticism, no matter how nicely it's phrased. For example, if you ask your husband to stop watching TV long enough to go to lunch together, and he reacts by ignoring you and turning the TV up louder, then you've got a bigger problem than just neglect - you now have to deal with an angry, passive-aggressive spouse.
Emotions rarely help the problem-solving process. If your partner reacts by throwing a temper tantrum, no progress will be made. Adults rationally, consider a piece of criticism and calmly respond, while children take it personally and react quite emotionally. So think about it: Are you involved in a relationship with a child in an adult's body?
Solution #2
Once your partner has lost control in an emotional fashion, little can be accomplished at that particular moment. Engaging in a shouting match will do nothing to make the situation better, and walking away without acknowledging their anger can exacerbate the tension even more. But there's a middle ground that you can reach. The following phrase will defuse the immediate situation and still leave the door open for future discussion: "I can't continue to talk to you until we can deal with this problem in a calm manner. We just won't get anything accomplished when you're like this. Let's agree to take some time off from this subject and try again later."
This sounds like a lot to say, but it could be incredibly helpful for you both. It gives your partner permission to cool down, and allows you to escape from an angry tirade. Hopefully the problem can be tackled at a later time, and the outcome will be more productive.
If there's no way to have a reasonable and calm conversation at any time, then you need to ask yourself why you're with someone who can't seem to control their anger. Tips Of A Good Relationship
Problem #3: Your Partner Blows Up at Other People
Here's an old saying that you should give some consideration to: "Look at the way your partner treats other people around you [family, friends, strangers, and so on], for this is the way you'll eventually be treated." I absolutely believe in this statement, because I've seen it played out time and time again.
A friend of mine once dated a man who treated her like a goddess in private but in public, he was rude and demeaning to anyone he came in contact with - from people in service positions to his co-workers, friends, and family members. It was as if she were dating two totally different guys ... but he was nice to her, so she continued on in the relationship and made excuses for this man's bad behavior. Unfortunately, as time went by, she started to get hints that his public displays were indicative of his real personality - until she finally became the target of his anger as well.
Sure, it's easy to get sucked into the charms of someone who makes you feel "special" and different, and it's also tempting to enter into a love relationship in which it's "the two of us against the world" - but if your partner is rude and initiates conflicts with others, they'll do the very same thing to you. It may not happen today, but it will happen.
Solution #3
You can't afford to be oblivious to the effect your partner has on other people: If they treat others poorly, then be warned that you'll probably be the recipient of the same treatment down the road.
Moreover, do you want to be thought of as someone who stays with a complete jerk? This is a big-time reflection on your own character, and in the process of defending this type of partner, you may also lose other valuable relationships.
You could encourage your rude partner to seek out ways to manage anger (through therapy, perhaps), but you need to put your foot down and demand that they clean up their act in the meantime. To learn more, you can check out Tips Of A Good Relationship.
